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Editor’s note: This is one of a series of Community Voices about the experiences of those who provide care for elderly family members and other kupuna.

For many of us, our biggest asset is family and for many of us here in Hawaii there is a growing need to take care of our elders.

With a growing aging population, the rising cost of living, and decreasing affordable housing, families are battling many difficulties in taking care of the ones they love. We have many problems with life in Hawaii, but let us consider the question, “what do we do with our elderly?”

This question is often answered by offering sacrifices, and for some they are sadly unable to continue sacrificing and end up abandoning their elderly. However, let me offer some insight I gained after having a conversation with a husband and wife who I call Mr. and Mrs. P and who worry about what they have to do in the future; but, who are also determined to take care of the ones they love at home.

Prior to 2006, Mrs. P, her husband, Mr. P, and daughters lived with her husband’s parents Mr. and Mrs. O. Her father in-law Mr. O who retired in 1988 watched over his granddaughters while everyone else was at work. Her mother in-law, Mrs. O worked part-time doing dry cleaning. Eventually, Mr. and Mrs. P moved out around 2006, and shortly after they moved out Mrs. O caught pneumonia and left her dry cleaning job after being hospitalized. Soon after Mr. and Mrs. O moved in with Mr. P’s uncle and sold the house since they would not be able to keep up with payments. Mr. P then decided to take care of both of his parents and took them into their townhouse in Makakilo.

When they started living together again, Mrs. P would work part time at K-Mart three days a week and help with taking care of her in-laws who stayed at home during her days off. Mr. and Mrs. P would help out as much as they could with Mr. and Mrs. O paying for whatever their social security could not cover. However, in 2011 Mrs. O passed away at the age of 81.

In 2011, with Mr. P’s father becoming older, and more in need of care Mr. P asked his wife Mrs. P to make a sacrifice and to quit her job in order to be more available to help with her father in-law, Mr. O. She left her part-time job at K-Mart in order to take care of her father in-law. However, by this time she would not only be taking care of her father in-law, Mr. O, but also her own grandchildren from time to time.

As Mr. O became older, taking care of him did not get any easier. At one time Mrs. P used to help Mr. O with taking a bath, but after an incident where for some reason Mr. O pushed Mrs. P, she stopped helping him with baths out of fear. She said it was fortunate for her to land in the toilet after she was pushed, but she was afraid that if something else had happened such as hurting her back or worse, she would not know how she could work or take care of herself. She said it was not worth chancing another attempt to help him with his bath.

For the most part Mr. O seems strong. He is able to go up and down the stairs daily, but they watch him to make sure he is okay. But he appears to be becoming more stubborn, increasingly forgetful, and has been choosing to walk to the bathroom less often. There are times when he asks to be shown to the bathroom. Mr. and Mrs. P believe this is more so for attention rather than forgetfulness. In regards to his frequency in using the bathroom, he has been choosing to use his adult diaper instead. This makes it harder for Mrs. P who would have to clean up after him. With these types of situations and others like it becoming more common, they feel they soon may need someone to help take care of him. He is described as stubborn and would likely listen to a nurse than to Mr. or Mrs. P. However, he will sometimes listen to his son, Mr. P.

When there are times with no problems, Mr. O would just spend his days watching sports and Mrs. P would prepare food for him when he gets hungry. There are few occasions he would leave the house. He used to visit his younger brothers and talk story, but most times now he doesn’t seem as energetic in talking story. He also used to chat with an elderly neighbor who used to walk a dog. Unfortunately, his family took him away when he started developing Alzheimer’s. When they had a regular house and yard, one of Mr. O’s passtimes was yard work, and they are considering looking for a house so that Mr. O can have a place to do yard work, again.

Mr. and Mrs. P talked about having frustrations and arguments when taking care of Mr. O. Mr. P said that he tries to catch himself when he feels he may say something he may regret; however, he shared how much he loves his father. Refusing the idea of a care home, Mr. P said he wants to be able to see his dad every day and believes that it’s also good for his dad to be with family. Mr. P said that it is also kind of nice on how roles reversed; stating how much his dad took care of him and now it’s his turn to take care of his dad.

As Mr. and Mrs. P take care of Mr. O, they wonder what will happen to them when they become that age. They are afraid of becoming a burden for their children, and even jested that if at that age they become out of hand to just throw them into a care home. Until that time comes, their focus is on Mr. O. With all the ups and downs, Mr. and Mrs. P will try to take care of Mr. O. I asked what if there was a way that they could occasionally get some help in taking care of Mr. O, even for just a few hours a month, would it help. They were delighted at the idea and believe it could help them greatly if they were able to get that type of help.

So what can we do for people like Mr. and Mrs. P and Mr. O? We have an intergenerational problem we need to address before it is too late. Otherwise, our lack of action will add on to a cycle that is becoming more heavily burdened.

There are a number of issues that our state needs to address; it is time for us to start fixing it, even if it’s imperfect actions. We need to start somewhere, let us begin with small things to allow family caregivers a break, as well as provide some professional aide to the elderly.

That is why I believe in the significance of . Legislatures should pass SB534, the Kupuna Caregivers Assistance Bill this year to give families like this one some relief. Otherwise, if we continue to ignore this issue, we will only place a heavier strain for the next generation.