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To say that I have a long history of mechanical abilities is an understatement. My first paying gig was at 12 years old. I overhauled lawn-mower engines for the summer on the Marine base in Kaneohe. Later I became a bike mechanic at 14 and did that on and off for about 12 years. Even later I did small jobs renovating apartments and other general carpentry while I lived in New York.

It was a way to make a living while spending time making art and teaching, both of which didn’t always pay much. Now I spend my time helping people with back pains, shoulder pains, mental pains, as well as coughs and common colds, just to name a few. And at least it’s starting to go better lately; almost to the point that classmates and colleagues would have expected back when we were in school together.

Having this type of background created a bit of a contradiction within me as the business failed, the relationship failed, and none of the fixes were working out just yet. It’s in my nature to see contingencies and to make adjustments, so how far off must I have been that nothing seemed to be going right.

For example, I remember getting extra work teaching art at Linekona Art Center and at the time thinking that it would stabilize things a bit, both financially and spiritually. But, unfortunately, the economic ripples were still affecting enrollments and many classes were cancelled. My one remaining class got a bare minimum of enrollment so the paycheck was very, very small.

But I didn’t mind so much because I thought I was at least creating some momentum for further improvements, which was true, in some small ways. Just none of them were financial improvements. What can you do at that point but shrug your shoulders and move along.

Part of me has the gut feeling that my current status needs some internal cleaning before it’s going to get better. There is backed up paperwork for sure, as well as unresolved dilemmas in my mind. Lately that has included the timing of becoming “homed.” But it also goes deeper than that and involves core identity issues: Who am I going to be when I’m no longer labeled “un-homed?”

So when I feel that I’m bumping into these issues I eventually start cleaning. At the office I went so far as to take the whole vacuum apart and clean it first. On one hand it still had so much fine dust from renovations when I first opened two years ago. On the other hand it felt like an energetic cleaning since afterwards I would use it to clean everything else. It felt good, and felt productive.

So I just hope I can clean up enough things to feel resolutions where needed, or at least calmness when possible. It is still a factor of mind that will dictate what it means to “fix” this state I’m in.

Previous posts in this series:

• The Sign Says It All
• It Could Be Worse
• Why Would Anyone Do This?
• Under The Magnifying Glass
• Laundry Day
• Welcome Back
• My Life as a Pigeon
• Beginnings
• On the Road — But Not in Hawaii
• Cash Flow
• How Do You Spot An “Un-homed?”
• Nap Time On The Road
• A Funny Thing Happened…
• A Governor’s Decision
• Trying to Stay Clean
• Pity or Compassion
• Best Friends Forever… or For a While
• Going with the Flow
• Milestones
• Anger Paralysis
• Timing Is Everything
• It’s All Relative
• Riding Heartbreak
• The Courage Needed
• Bartering Along
• Getting Swept Away… Almost
• Neglect
• Small Measures of Success
• The Interior Life
• I Miss My Bed
• My Closet Has a Flat Tire
• Hopes and Dreams
• Homeless Are People, Too
• Full Monty or Not?
• Back Seat Office
• Staying Connected
• Those Small Indignities
• Putting Your Life in Storage
• One Step Forward, One Step Back
• Exciting New Career Opportunities
• End of the Day
• Solutions Wanted
• When to Hold On, Let Go?
• Location, location, location
• Range of Motion
• Food More Than Sustenance
• Figuring It All Out Someday
• Solitude
• The Good, The Bad
• From The Heart
• Does Anyone Really See Me?
• Keeping Perspective
• Showers at the Natatorium
• Achieving Homelessness